Moose on the Loose

Today we are pleased to announce the Books Direct Prize Pool Incentive.

A few months ago Books Direct approached my close friend Fraser Edwards & I to ask if we would consider running their brand based paid search activity through Affiliate Window. Which was previously ran by another outsourced agency & the program was on another network. The program is now solely on Affiliate Window.

Not being a fan of straight brand bidding groups & the little value it would add to the program, we pitched a concept to Sarah at Books Direct ….. See Here ….. Books Direct being a forward thinking merchant were receptive to the idea and so the incentive was formulated to generously reward affiliates for the incremental sales they drive to Books Direct.

A new affiliate account was set up solely for the purpose on the brand campaign on a no profit basis where all commissions (at the normal rate) earned are placed into the prize pool as well as the override the network Affiliate Window receives. Deducted from this are the paid search advertising costs. Books Direct, Affiliate Window & us all have access to the various paid search accounts for any costs & keywords used so that transparency is maintained throughout.

The main prize draw is at the end of the year and is confidently expected to be in excess of £10000. The activity for June collected a pool of £1,236.97, activity for July collected a pool of £2,627.38 … a total so far of £3,864.35. So we have August to December inclusive to be added to this.

Get Your Golden Ticket

In Charlie & The Chocolate Factory fashion, there are lucky winners each month who can claim their Golden Ticket for the bumper prize.

Each month, all affiliates who have made a sale, or no sales but have generated at least 100 clicks on the Books Direct programme will be entered into a prize draw. Each sale will count as one prize draw entry, so the more sales you make, the more chances you have to win. If you have made more than 100 clicks, but no sales, you will receive “one” prize draw entry.

Each month, 5 winners will be selected who will each receive a prize of £50, as well as a “Golden Ticket” to enter the main draw, to win the remaining prize pool, which will be divided between 2 winners. The exact date will be announced later in the year but will be end of 2008/early January 2009.

Each month the prize draw starts afresh! You can enter every month and increase your chances of winning the big prize.

Omitted From The Prize Draw

Fraser & I already do quite a lot of generic activity for Books Direct from our own individual & joint accounts. In July we earned about £2,624.00 commission & in June we earned about £2,048.00 commission. However though in theory we could qualify for the incentive, we have taken the decision to omit ourselves from any prize draws leaving it open for other affiliates to grab a Golden Ticket.

Fuller Details

For more detailed information please read the following threads & blogs

Books Direct Brand Bidding – Prize Pool
Books Direct Blog
Books Direct: Prize pool offers monthly £50 bonus and a grand pool of circa £12,000
An Alternative To Brand Bidding Groups
Plunge Into The PPC Prize Pool & Grab a Golden Ticket

Thanks Books Direct & Affiliate Window

Fraser & I would also like to take this opportunity to thank Books Direct for their generousity with the incentive & Affiliate Window for their efforts in the joint coordination & adding their override to the prize pool too. The setting up has been quite seamless & straight forward. Hopefully affiliates eyes will be lit up, be encouraged, start promoting further & add incremental sales to a decent program.

As you are aware Brand Bidding Groups (BBGs) have generally been for the familiar privileged few & favoured affiliates within some networks with the result of maximum reward with minimum effort with content affiliates suffering the stealth tax of cookie over-writing. There are a affiliates who are millionaires by doing something a monkey could do & offer little or nothing to the affiliate marketing space apart from being suited n booted & pretending to have a corporate persona as wide boys talking industry jibberish.

The solution I propose opens this all up to protect content affiliates & share the wealth where no network has suitable reason to withhold integration of the concept, unless there is possibly something to hide.

Here is the process of how it would be set up, now you must read through the WHOLE of this to understand this is quite simple & the real potential for all affiliates & the merchant.

1) An affiliate agrees to volunteer themselves!!! They look after the brand bidding group on a non-profit basis on direct to merchant paid search activity on brand terms, hybrids & obvious variations & mis-spelling. Obviously they would liaise with the merchant regarding the content of ad copy if it is necessary, though often this is best left to experienced affiliates to manage the campaign responsibly & professionally. You’ll also find volunteer affiliates will be more expansive in their use of keywords & not just exact match of brand [BRAND]

2) A separate Google, MSN Adcenter or Yahoo (YSM) account would be set up for each merchant so that the network, merchant and affiliate(s) involved have access to as well for keywords used & advertising spend. The reason for this will be more apparent a little later, so start licking your lips now.

2) What is paramount is transparency!!! The name of the affiliate(s) and the keyword database are available. Other affiliates not directly involved with the non-profit brand bidding group can also put forward suggestions of keywords to add to the mix & possibly integrated.

3) There will be no overwriting of content affiliate cookies at all!!! Content affiliates also include those who do paid search on product or generic keywords in paid search whether this is direct to merchant (i.e. permitted to use the display URL of the merchant in advertising or bringing traffic into their own site). This would require a separate network account being set up (an easy enough process), the main bit of work would require liaison between the network & some integration of code on the merchants behalf. Now at the moment we see Affiliate Window have done the honourable thing with Woolworth’ s. I don’t wish to knock it and it’s good progress, but the disadvantage of the Woolworths approach though is that it rely’s on cross referencing with a white list of keywords. The beauty of this scheme I am suggesting is that this separate link NEVER overwrites other affiliate links, but it can be overwritten in the normal manner of last referrer currently adopted. This content affiliates cookie always wins.

4) Obviously this non-profit affiliate can promote the merchant in the familiar manner as a content affiliate, on generic & product related terms in the normal way by using their affiliate links from their day to day account.

5) Now, the above is a great start within itself, but with paid search engines you can only use a certain display URL once (i.e single display URL policy). This is where some work is required on behalf of the network to earn their over-ride. Quite simply separate domains (either owned by the network or merchant) are set up for creation of landing pages or templates probably (preferably varying in design). The network would create these template / landing pages in liaison with the merchant for the brand bidding purposes, but if flexible enough these can also be utilised by normal content affiliates to integrate into their sites, thus offering multiple usage of the templates / full page sized content units.

The purpose of this is to provide more coverage in advertising listings with an increase in advertising slots incase competitors are bidding on the merchants brand & hopefully increase the transition of traffic actually going to the merchant. This needs to be only fully adopted if competitors are appearing in the space for keywords relating to the merchants brand. It’s a safeguard to counter competitor advertising or could be used in unison with the merchants own inhouse brand activity if they have one.

Now, the Non-Profit BBG can use one of their own URL’s to display the template (when bidding on brand going direct to a landing page), but there would need to absolutely zero leakage to other parts of their web site or web sites they own to make it fair i.e. to ensure other parts of their web site don’t benefit from bidding on brand. For their normal (non BBG) link then they fall into the same offerings as other affiliates.

It is important networks do work for their over-ride rather than sitting on their laurels ensuring these templates whether created by merchant or network are updated at reasonable intervals.

Now for the Deal Clincher

6) You are maybe asking what happens to the commission earned from this brand bidding. Well, we share the wealth of course, it all goes into a massive Prize Pot to share amongst other content affiliates who promote the merchant. The cost of the paid search activity (remember from a separate Google, MSN, Yahoo account) is deducted from the total commission earned via the brand bidding. These figures are released to the affiliate community for transparency.

7) The way the Jackpot Pool can be shared out is as follows. The Jackpot can be divided into 5, 10 or even 20 equal amounts. For the content affiliates promoting the merchant, 1 sale = 1 ticket where an affiliate can win no more than one prize for that specific merchant. Prize funds could anything for £20,000 to £100,000 or even more (don’t forget Millions have been made by these brand bidding groups, agencies & networks), which is a lucrative cash bonus for any content affiliate. Alernatively half the prize pool could be divided proportionally amongst their top 10 affiliates & the remainder going into the lucky dip. The frequency of these draws could be quarterly for lesser amounts of annually for a huge bonus.
Whereby:

• Content affiliates will more likely be incentivised to promote the merchant. Of which some could be used to launch their own bigger or greater projects, plus of course reaping the rewards of their own hard work.

• The merchant has a greater potential to receive an increase in incremental sales because of the generous Jackpot / Prize Pool available.

• The network still receives their over-ride, with any increases in incremental sales, plus they would be held with higher esteem with affiliates for their transparency & dedication to sharing the wealth amongst content affiliates.

• The wealth is shared amongst more worthy content affiliates across the industry rather than the familiar pre-chosen select few that some networks embrace.

Disadvantages

a) Some networks may jump on the bandwagon – Using the spin of strategic groups by maybe only offering a token program here or there trying to fool un-savvy affiliates or those that see things through Rose Tinted GlASSes. A network must be committed to this fairer solution of handling BBGs.

b) Finding volunteer affiliates – This wouldn’t be too difficult as I know, including myself, there are content affiliates who would embrace this. Setting up brand bidding campaigns on the different paid search engines only takes a small amount of time & requires little managing, except for occasionally updating ad copy & ensuring ROI is obviously profitable.

c) Who will fund the PPC activity? Well this should be the network of course. Why would they object? They have to do something for their money, it’s a no brainer really, since they would still receive an over-ride whereby PPC costs are recouped anyhow, rather than the volunteer affiliate awaiting for their expense. Any network objecting to this would need their scruples testing, when this should be weighed up against the increase in incremental sales & esteem they could gain & hold amongst affiliate peers which would transcend to other programs on their network. Just think about it for a moment!

You may ask, then why doesn’t the network simply do the whole branding themselves. Well who says some don’t do this already through mates or their selected cartel of affiliates with kickbacks. At least with what I propose it’s transparent & again the wealth is shared.

This solution in my book will clearly demonstrate which networks, merchants & agencies truly have any sincerity to what is a very workable solution. What traction this idea developes into, I cannot predict, but the opportunity is there to do the right thing for content affiliates & the industry as a whole, with the ball firmly served into their court.

There you go my fellow peers. The proposed solution to brand bidding groups & sharing the wealth amongst the true content affiliates.

Any additional advantages you feel this offers please offer a comment, so that we can get this solution rolling. And any volunteers please feel welcome to put your name forward. Any merchants interested in trialling this concept can email me “moose [at] mooseontheloose.co.uk” or PM me through the forum where my handle / username is “Qui Gon Jinn“

Let me commence with a definition of Praetorians, these people were venal & corruptible. Venal means these are people capable of betraying honour, duty, or scruples for a price. Arthur M. Schlesinger, Jr summarised this quite nicely as “A large praetorian bureaucracy, filled with ambitious, possessive . . . and often sycophantic people, makes work and makes trouble”, ruthlessly seeking personal advantage. Historically the Praetorians were eventually defeated by the citizens & Constantine who united the empire at the cost of much toil and bloodshed. In my opinion these Praetorians are the affiliates, merchants, networks & agencies associated with brand bidding groups who plunder at the expense of the citizens (decent & ethical content affiliates)

Today, May 5th, as you are probably aware marks the introduction of the Google AdWords Trademark Policy Revision, Google will no longer prevent you or anyone else using AdWords to place adverts on Google for trademarked terms of other companies or competitors nor will they prevent previously unauthorised ads from showing.

Initially I doubt there will be any almighty surge & it will probably commence with a whimper, but it will gradually gather pace into a crescendo. So don’t panic Mr Mannering just quite yet, just monitor you brand & have contingency plans in place if the situation arises.

It’s probably worthwhile reading my previous blog and those from other respected affiliates to give you a little background on this latest Google policy change Click Here For Details.

Personally, I sit on both sides of the fence on this topic depending on the circumstances. Bidding on competitor brands isn’t particularly good practise & shouldn’t be encouraged though for the competitor this can be extremely beneficial in increasing the profile of their smaller unrecognised brand by riding on the back of a larger brand (not necessarily better reputation).

No doubt gentlemen’s agreements will increasingly unfold, mainly between larger brands, where parties agree not to become embroiled by bidding on each others trademarks. The problem is misspellings, variations & hybrids are not realistically covered and sometimes encroach other marks in the process.

If a merchant has any fairly generic words in their brand name, there isn’t a whole lot they can do on broadmatching issues & any networks trying to enforce affiliates putting in negative phrases can take a run & jump from a very tall building.

Put the boot on the other foot, would merchants put 30,000 affiliate brands as -[negative] keywords into all their campaigns … Of course they wouldn’t. And with paid search affiliates having dozens or hundreds or thousands of adgroups it’s impossible & impractical.

So any network or merchant telling you to put in negatives can be prodded with the poopy end of a highly electrical charged cattle stick on the genitals & requested to shove off, wiping their feet on the way out.

The Exception to The Rule

If you followed the link above Click Here If you didn’t, then those Praetorians involved with BBGs I consider as legitimate targets, these parties involved have never considered the rest of us affiliates with cookie overwriting by selling out & “Getting Rich Quick by Selling br$and to the Arabs for £75m” or getting on some broadsheets rich list plus the other familiar BBG’ers. There are primarily four networks.

Therefore I will openly applaud any advertisers, affiliates or competitors, to target these parties. Will I personally involved with this? I haven’t yet decided, but I wouldn’t be foolish enough to have anything traceable back to myself, but will possibly / potentially quite happily furnish the foot soldiers the keywords required. It’s about time we rightfully clawed back some of what has been taken.

There is a small army of citizens (content affiliates) who have simply had enough. Those Praetorians in their Ivory Towers can quite happily have their discussions about myself & a few other affiliates. The Gauntlet has been picked up it’s been “enough is enough” for sometime now.

I haven’t forgotten the quote from a newly appointed UK network representative in Las Vegas last year who expressed they as a network wouldn’t change their ways & that this person was there to build up #29 & other BBG businesses.

Therefore if you are a merchant who currently has a BBG in place then I suggest you rethink & rapidly adopt alternative options like the one proposed here. “Sharing the Wealth – The Solution to Brand Bidding Groups”

Please note if a merchant doesn’t have a BBG then please don’t target them.

In the immortal words of Citizen ‘Wolfie’ Smith … “Power to the People” & a thumbs down to the The Praetorians. (relevant wrt to Roman times when the original Praetorians existed & the thumbs down given by the emporer in arena battles)

Rules of Engagement

Parties involved with BBGs manipulated the unwritten rules of engagement & worked the system via sheer greed with zero concern for anyone else, the seeds of this incentious period are quite obvious when you examine events chronologically, patterns, career paths, social circles with information volunteered quite freely when alcohol induced & a Penfold (the mole from Danger Mouse). The rules of engagement will change & for the better.

Ask Yourself

Are you a Praetorian, A Citizen or an Apathetic Buffoon?

Opting Out Required

Due to some networks reluctance to disclose which merchants have BBGs, I propose an Opt Out form or application where the merchant has to publicly say they don’t operate a BBG, thereby reducing the chances they will be subject to competitor bidding. As having to opt out seems to be the fashion, this maybe a prudent course of action to get transparency once & for all.

Exciting Product Launch

Hopefully, very soon, maybe this week even I’ll be able to blog about an exciting product launch pertaining to competitor & affiliate brand bidding, which may upset a few apple carts of those in their Ivory Towers & is highly recommended for merchants to use.

Happy Birthday Grandad

Finally I would like to say Happy Birthday to my grandad, who passed away a few years. He is fondly remembered & his words of wisdom I still follow.

In relation to Google’s Trademark Policy Change, I will expand my thoughts in due course, but you can view existing blogs & threads at the footnote of this blog entry. They cover quite a lot of opinion, for which I will precis in conjunction with my own viewpoints at a later date, but make sure you read these as it will give a better overview of the whole topic & the vulturism of those I deem as carnivorous annelid worms of the class Hirudinea, plus it will lead you into this next maybe slightly controversial observation / option (not necessarily opinion)

If a network, the BGG’s & the merchant have no consideration to the cookie over-writing of other affiliates, why should there be a consideration from content affiliates to their self professed omnipotent attitude & contempt in their treating of content affiliates.

Now, some might argue that two wrongs don’t make a right, but if you want to reclaim back some of what you may have unduly lost, then perhaps it’s reasonable enough for self preservation purposes to be a competitor of the merchant’s BBG.

By simply removing yourself or expiring the relationship with the merchant who has a BBG. Thus meaning the network has no jurisdiction over the relationship anymore & cannot be involved in any dialogue or reprimanding.

You can then bid on the brand / hybrids [brand+generic] / mis-spellings & promote a competitor who doesn’t have any clauses objecting to or you can arbitrage instead .. this Google policy change will be an arbitrager’s paradise. Noting : that hybrid terms [brand+generic] are less detectable in the sense they are often mistakenly identified as brand bidding when it was broadmatch on the generics anyhow. Make sure you use the Google Keyword Tool and check out synonyms, you will see that there is a lot of correlation for what is known as expanded match or I refer to as synonym. With the impending automatic matching this could prove even more beneficial.? Let’s consider it divine retribution.

Two wrongs can make a right, if any networks with BBG’s don’t have the respect for content affiliates & cookie over-writing, breaching contracts without proper disclosure, then why should content affiliates give an iota in return. Now as a competitor bidder you may not be able to have the brand in the ad copy, ad title or display URL .. so your click thru rate (CTR) maybe less & minimum bid maybe slightly more, but as long as a competitor advertiser is making a positive ROI which is what it is about (unless is a brand building exercise) then for every £1000 you earn thats £1000 less for the BBG’s and £300 less (30% override) for the network, plus in tandem there is a trimming of the fat from the fat cats from both ends, the BBG’s CTR will decrease, minimum bids rise & ROI reduces.

So am I advocating this? You’ll have to decide for yourself, and be happy with your own conscious if you partake. But this is business and its survival of the fittest, these BBG’s & the merchants / agencies are affecting your bottom line without any care for you i.e it’s like an additional stealth tax. If your tax rate went up 20% you wouldn’t think that was reasonable would you? Therefore I will have no sympathy with all those parties involved in a BBG whether it be an affiliate, the merchant / agency or network … and those affiliates going head to head with the BBG’s won’t get any complaints from me.

Now, the problem is decent merchants will be affected by this too, so the gauntlet is if you decide to target merchant brands, then only go after those merchants with BBG’s. I’ll happily shared compiled lists of merchants with other affiliates.

I do have a solution to BBG’s which can benefit all, which I blog later, which would be a win win situation for most.

Forthcoming Blogs:

1) A Solution To BBG’s group (before the idea gets nicked and a network or merchant does themselves.)

2) My Viewpoint on Google’s Trademark Policy Change?

3) How Long is a Piece of String? (The Answer)

4) Why I Am Considering Moving Away from CPA to CPC

5) Which So Called Leading Strategic Networks We Are Going To Dump & Why

Read these blogs & threads to keep up to date with Google’s Trademark Policy Change

• AdWords – Brand Bidding Group Feeding Frenzy Ahead !?

• The 10 Affects Of Google’s Trademark Policy Changes For Affiliates

• The new Google UK Adwords Policy – My view on the pros and cons

• Google Opens up Brand Name Bidding

• Google Revises Trademark Trigger Policy

• Should We Be Worried About Google’s New TM Policy?

• Which Network Do You Think Has The Most Brand Bidding Groups?

• Google trademark policy change

• Google Trademark Shake Up in UK

After reading Fraser’s latest blog entry Closed Group Brand Name Bidding.

A few minutes ago, I stumbled across this article “In the Matrix, which pill would you take, the red or the blue?”

For which I will publish below, certain extracts I will draw attention to & no doubt you can pull your own which is you deem is relevant pertaining to BBG’s (brand bidding groups.) If we treat this like a modern day parable then perhaps the philosophical message may come across in the way it was intended. It might seem a little cheesy, but the original author wrote a good article which could chessily be applied as follows.

“People doing well under the current system are not inclined to look favourably on those who question the system.” !!!

“The question of which pill to take illustrates the personal aspect of the decision to study philosophy. Do you live on in ignorance (and potentially bliss) or do you lead what Aristotle called ‘the examined life’…”

Apathy & seeing aspects of affiliate marketing through Rose Tinted Gl-ASS-es comes to mind.

“The Matrix is a film filled with religious and philosophical symbolism. The plot supposes that humans live in vats many years in the future, being fed false sensory information by a giant virtual reality computer (the Matrix). “

“The perpetrators of this horror are machines of the future who use humans as a source of power. Humans are literally farmed.”

If we treat this like a modern day parable based on a film. The Matrix consist of a few questionable networks, affiliates & agencies, tightly controlling the BBG Arena, plus a few home grown tail wagging dogs or frankensteins.

“The central character of the film, Neo, is presented to us in the opening part of the film as a loner who is searching for a mysterious character called Morpheus (named after the Greek god of dreams and sleep). He is also trying to discover the answer to the question “What is the Matrix?””

Neo being any of those decent affiliates questioning the system.

“Morpheus contacts Neo just as the machines (posing as sinister ‘agents’)” … these agents can be the spin doctors rephrasing BBG’s as strategic search marketing groups akin to those who called spyware, adware instead & suffocating what’s going on via false niceties … “are trying to keep Neo from finding out any more. When Morpheus and Neo meet, Morpheus offers Neo two pills. The red pill will answer the question “what is the Matrix?” (by removing him from it) and the blue pill simply for life to carry on as before. As Neo reaches for the red pill Morpheus warns Neo “Remember, all I’m offering is the truth. Nothing more.”

“The film as a whole and especially the choosing scene is deeply compelling. Why is the choice between what you believe you know and an unknown ‘real’ truth so fascinating? How could a choice possibly be made? On the one hand everyone you love and everything that you have built you life upon. One the other the promise only of truth.”

“The question then is not about pills, but what they stand for in these circumstances. The question is asking us whether reality, truth, is worth pursuing. The blue pill will leave us as we are, in a life consisting of habit, of things we believe we know. We are comfortable, we do not need truth to live. The blue pill symbolises commuting to work every day, or brushing your teeth.” or simply accepting without due thought that you are lining the pockets of these BBG’s & associated networks / agencies at your own expense via the power of cookie overwriting.

“The red pill is an unknown quantity. We are told that it can help us to find the truth. We don’t know what that truth is, or even that the pill will help us to find it. The red pill symbolises risk, doubt and questioning. In order to answer the question, you can gamble your whole life and world on a reality you have never experienced.”

As we know the red pill leads to unearthing the real truth.

“However, in order to investigate which course of action to take we need to investigate why the choice is faced. Why should we even have to decide whether to pursue truth?”

“The answer in short, is inquisitiveness. Many people throughout human existence have questioned and enquired. Most of them have not been scientists or doctors or philosophers, but simply ordinary people asking ‘what if?’ or ‘why?’ Asking these questions ultimately leads us to a choice. Do you continue to ask and investigate, or do you stop and never ask again? This in essence, is the question posed to Neo in the film.”

By being inquistitive the core business structure & survivability of a few networks & so called super-affiliates are based on BBG’s at the expense of development of the right tools for main core of affiliates in the marketplace as well as their own income.

“So what are the advantages of taking the blue pill? As one of the characters in the film says, “ignorance is bliss” Essentially, if the truth is unknown, or you believe that you know the truth, what is there to question or worry about?”

Hence, why so many affiliates don’t see the bigger picture.

“By accepting what we are told and experience life can be easier. There is the social pressure to ‘fit in’, which is immensely strong in most cultures. Questioning the status quo carries the danger of ostracism, possibly persecution. This aspect has a strong link with politics. People doing well under the current system are not inclined to look favourably on those who question the system. Morpheus says to Neo “You have to understand that many people are not ready to be unplugged, and many of them are so inured, so hopelessly dependent on the system that they will fight to protect it.””

Note: People doing well under the current system are not inclined to look favourably on those who question the system.

“The system also has a place for you, an expected path to follow. This removes much of the doubt and discomfort experienced by a trailblazer.”

Perhaps you were a sheep in a previous life.

“Another argument on the side of the blue pill is how does anyone know that the status quo is not in fact the truth? The act of simply questioning does not infer a lack of validity on the questioned. Why not assume that your experience is innocent until proven guilty? Just accept everything?”

Do you have the tenacity, courage & conviction to question the unhealthy aspects within affiliate marketing so that it can change for the better?

“So if the arguments for the blue pill are so numerous, why take the red pill? Why pursue truth even though it may be unpalatable and the journey to it hard? In the film, Neo risks death to escape the virtual reality and discovers a brutal reality from which he cannot return. As he discovers the trouble with asking questions is that the answers are not necessarily what you want to hear.”

Some affiliates simply cannot accept what is going on or are in denial and as for those guilty parties they are convinced by their own untruths they continually spew out.

“To justify taking the red pill we might ask what is the purpose of an ignorant existence? Further still, what is there in merely existing? Simply existing brings humans down to the level of objects; they might have utility or even purpose, but where is the meaning? Existence without meaning is surely not living your life, but just experiencing it. As Trinity says to Neo, “The Matrix cannot tell you who you are.”

Those who question what’s going on often do for selfless reasons.

“Given the potential disadvantages of choosing the red pill, the motivation for discovering the truth must then be very strong. The film makes much of this point. Trinity says to Neo “It’s the question that drives us, Neo.” and Morpheus compares the motivation for Neo’s search to “a splinter in your mind – driving you mad.” The motivation for answering the question is obviously strong as the answer will help us to find the meaning in our lives.”

“What we are looking at here is the drive to answer a question, but the key to this is what drove the question in the first place. The asking of questions about our environment our experience and ourselves is fundamental to the human condition. Children ask a seemingly never-ending stream of questions from an early age. It is only with education and socialisation that some people stop asking these questions. However, we remain, as it were, hard-wired to enquire.”

Change should only be embraced if the values we truly uphold are maintained. Be mindful of the consequences of the change for the unity and integrity of affiliate marketing as your conscience is your own judge” – By The Moose on the Loose 2008

“This is an inevitable consequence of consciousness. A being with a mind, conscious of itself and its existence, experiencing a reality, needs to organise the data that it receives from its senses. Simply observing and recording does not allow for consciousness. It is what we do with that information that allows us to think. In order to process and store the vast amount of information received, the human brain attempts to identify patterns in the data; looking for the patterns behind what is experienced. This is asking questions of the sensory information, and requires reasoning. By definition a conscious mind seeks to know. Knowing something requires more than just data, but intelligence or reasoning applied to that data. To attempt to obtain knowledge we must therefore question the data our mind receives; thus, consciousness questions.”

“So the metaphor of the journey to truth that Neo takes is complete. The journey starts with a question, there is a search for the answer and the answer may be reached. This shows us that the journey does not start with Neo choosing between the pills, or with ourselves deciding whether to question. The act of asking the question is itself the starting point as the aim of asking the question is to seek truth and knowledge.”

“We have established that consciousness is aware and seeks knowledge and that thus the conscious mind must question. To question is to seek the truth and start on the journey to knowledge. Therefore the choice between the pills is surely made for us. The fact that we are conscious appears to require us to take the red pill.”

It’s a shame so many are inert.

“However, this can be simply countered by someone who would prefer to take the blue pill. They may wish to seek the truth in a different way, or in a less mind jarring set of circumstances. They can choose the blue pill and not deny their consciousness, but to stop seeking the truth entirely would be to deny their consciousness.”

“Thus we are philosophically driven to seek the truth and the act of questioning whether to seek it is in itself seeking the truth. As conscious minds we will always seek the truth. However, the choice over the red or blue pills is not solely a choice between whether to question or not, it is a personal choice on the method of discovering the truth.”

Finally, which really defines you as an affiliate to move this industry forward & stamp out what is wrong within the industry, do you take the red pill or the blue pill … your true conscience is your own true judge.

Also read

The Power of the Brand Bidder Cookie by Matthew Wood

Brand Activity, The Need For Separate Cookies – A Horrific Scenario

I have just realised I have been doing this affiliate malarkey for the past ten years all wrong, and now realise how to get rich quick by selling br$and to the Arabs for £75m.

1.) To start building your br$and Castle. Set up a network with a basic looking interface & reporting tools, most affiliates like bells and whistles but the brand bidders find these clutter up reporting unnecessarily.. after all what’s to report ?? so the KI$$ format is best.. “Keep It Simple Stupid”.

2.) Research the market for potentially easily manipulated affiliates to be planned in to the BBG’s (br$and Bidding Groups). Essentially they should know how to use phrase and exact match and waffle on convincingly to any merchant about benefits of allowing them and the network to brand bid but how a closed group is best to protect it.

3.) Sell your $oul to the devil ? (but make sure it’s on exact match [soul] and negative match –don’t … In the same process remember to neglect those genuine affiliates who were supportive of your network when you first came on the scene (what is their opinion now?). Not to worry they were only to  instrumentally used & abused for your overall agenda.

4.) Produce presentations with eloquent corporate spiel on the advantages of br$and bidding groups – 3D graphs work best, however don’t mention the dreaded G word (generics) anywhere EVER ! …

5.) Increase your stationary supply of brown manila envelopes. Ensure you get self seal as your tongue is probably quite dry & so is that of your BBG’s. Aalways ensure your BBG’s are well fed, (send huge hampers) watered (cristal, veuve cliquot) and warm (Bahamas, Miami, Las Vegas), you don’t want them getting annoyed at having to work so hard, we all know adding a couple of new exact match [brand name keywords] per month is very tiring !

6.) Carry on finding more sycophants & embrace them into the br$and bidding groups, Only bring in new “talent” which can be house trained & who will sit and roll over when told to.

7.) Draw circles in the br$and with military tactical precision and call it “Operation br$and Storm”

8.) Your hive of BBG drones are now under servitude of the Queen B, however they must not speak out against the network and only post minimally on any forum. Any insolence MUST be punished with loss of of a BBG, preferably drones will only post in forums or blogs when told to and then only in a supportive and positive manner.

9.) Get your br$and bidding groups to buy you a yacht. There is nothing like a bit of reciprocated a$$ ki$$ing.

10.) Produce something vaguely resembling a content unit & give it a fashionable name like a widget in order to maintain wider affiliate acceptance, at indeterminate periods launch tools and applications. PS: it’s not important if they actually work as majority of revenue is from your BBG’s which don’t need them anyway.

11.) Oh & don’t forget to pander to the br$and bidding groups, basically ask them how they wish to run things and just leave them too it.

12.) Adopt an omnipotent ethos, we are better than you.. you and you.. although of course not if you are a BBG drone.. in which case we love you loads.

13.) Entertain your br$and bidding groups, treat them like a harem of revenue generating supermodels, pander to their every need, real or imagined.

14.) Be convinced by one’s own self importance, if struggling repeat “we are the bestist” in the mirror every morning whilst brushing your diamond studded teeth.

15.) When profits are not looking great, get some Venture Capitalists interested, show them the brand portfolio and, mention turnover figures and then mention the new alignment of big brand budgets online instead of offline.

16.) Introduce the VC’s to your br$and Bidding Groups, heck given time the BBG’s may even end up as your VC’s ! and it can then be one big happy incestuous commune !

17.) Allow merchants to upload feeds without fully verifying whether they are accurate or work, then proclaim you have product feeds and are the next best thing since sliced bread, after all who cares.. it’s all only for show.. BBG’s are the dumper truck.. other affiliates are the specs of mud on the windscreen.

18.) Carry on kicking br-$and in affiliate faces for those who object to br$and Bidding Groups, they are only jealous and fed up of adding real value and clearly can’t drive the quality of traffic required to be a BBG drone.

19.) Don’t worry if profits are not looking too great for all that entertaining budget, you are convinced it will all work out. .. refer to point 15 ! get bigger, glossier graphs, quote bigger budgets, and smile more. Why not even knockout a new sluggish management area and keep it in perpetual beta mode.

20.) Tell your affiliates that you are employed there to build up the br$and Bidding Groups businesses, leave them in no doubt of your support, should a tongue bath be needed rinse with champagne and then get to work.. nothing is too much to keep your BBG’s happy !

21.) Water “Gate” Stones … Don’t stick up for your affiliates when a merchant inaccurately deletes sales, with them and the network falsely claiming affiliates are brand bidding, only to remunerate the affiliate directly without telling the merchant because you don’t want to upset that merchant. When dealing with real affiliates, become vague, quote T&C’s, rewrite merchant terms, delete data and at all times never forget the merchant is always right after all real affiliates are ten a penny ..(unless it’s a BBG issue, in which case.. explain he’s right but not fully informed.. refer merchant for BBG programming !),

22.) Suffocate your forum section with duplicated promotional postings & excessive use of superlatives, which are in received emails anyhow. Tactic is to suppress affiliate concerns to lower pages within the forum section … push bad news right down that page… get all BBG’s to blog or post something positive if anything negative happens.

23.) Produce minimal profit again,,, make even bigger graphs, even glossier images, throw a party or two, sponsor everything you can .. do whatever it takes to keep everything looking sweet until a bid comes in.

24.) Go on the charm offensive & invade the USA .. if del boy can do it.. we can !

25.) $ow the brand $eed of this low hanging fruit by getting content affiliates to promote with their presell, then let your favoured BBG’s mop up the gravy train of brand orientated bunnys that come hopping along by over writing the content affiliate cookies.

26.) If your reputation in the UK is duly taking a bashing the next two points is a quick fix.. divert attention rather than address any issues.. buy magic books off ebay and practice the art of distraction !

27.) Find a desperate unsuspecting mug who is looking to buy a network & be their fallback bitch, preferable something American , who don’t understand the past success and turnover is built on exact matched brand terms & buying a select group of BBG drones.

28.) Sell for £75m then pretend to look fully invested in it’s future still until the cheque clears and any tie in period ends.

29.) Remember to phone a friend or rent a crowd so that BBG’ers & Co can officially post on the forum.

That is the Get Rich Quick Scheme on Selling br$and to the Arabs for £75m.

Disclaimer : The communication and information on this blog is confidential and may be privileged. All information contained herein is, without prejudice. Any form of distribution, copying or use of this information are strictly prohibited.

Whether it be via broad, phrase, exact or negative match .. !

Brand bidding is a senstive area, but unquestionably responsible for being one of the main contributing factors for the initial growth of the affiliate marketing industry, which wouldn’t be where it is today, however one has to consider whether any networks are sending out mixed messages.

For example if you find time, on Tradedoubler go to the search policy section on a number of merchant’s information pages & scroll down to a particular clause.

4.6 You are allowed to show adverts on trademarks, or variations, of advertiser’s competitors?

The merchant has an option for yes or no. With enough opting to permit affiliates to bid on competitor trademarks & variations.

What is your interpretation of this? Realistically what kind of mixed message does this send out not only to their clients, but may encourage some affiliates to do? Consequently, potentially contributing to allow the affiliate marketing industry to be tarnished.

The phenomenal growth of the industry, from revenues generated, has been mainly in part due to the allowance of brand bidding, and by judging networks at the moment, some are & will still be thriving in 2008 with coffers being filled from the over-ride of closed brand bidding groups. Which in all completely skews the sales figures the affiliate channel is earning/producing.

A solution certainly needs to be found, which prevents the content affiliates cookie being over-written. Whether a seperate link, or the referring keyword (which can easily enough be hidden anyhow) cross referenced against a whitelist of actual trademarks to ascertain who gets credited with the commission from the sale. A technical solution needs to be found.

But going back to clause 4.6 … is this particularly ethical?

I am surpised it hasn’t been addressed for wider debate & can only assume both merchants, affiliates & other networks have been oblivious to it. Or a worse case scenario, people simply don’t care.

Whether you consider it scrupulous or unscrupulous, the decision is yours, but this clause is a licence to print money!

In 2008 I think we need to re-examine this area a whole lot more for each network. The AMC (Affiliate Marketing Council) at the IAB (Internet Advertising Bureau) could certainly contribute by implementing a code of practice for its members on competitor to competitor bidding, with the asssumed weight to clamp down on merchant & non-merchant members on unethical paid search practices, they get the necessaryinches in the publications, and if they are to prove they have any teeth, this one aspect which should be addressed.

Whilst at auexpo, I had to miss a segment of one of the morning sessions by sloping off quickly to ask a small team (after being collared by them) involved in the affiliate marketing industry about their latest tool, cherily named The Grim Reaper.

Whom Are The Creators Of The Grim Reaper?

“As for whom, we do wish to remain anonymous at the moment, sounds a little pretencious we know, but we could be likened to multiple Keyser Soze’s of The Usual Suspects, where quite a few people know him, but those people don’t know who he is.”

What Is The Grim Reaper?

“In theory it is a Search Engine Bidding Abuse Monitoring Tool.”

Why or What Inspired You To Develop The Tool?

“The initial inspiration behind the tool was to identify, but not necessarily disclose, which affiliates or parties we feel are maybe receiving questionable preferential treatment both past & present for various affiliate programs, which we feel is having a negative impact on the industry. The Grim Reaper allows us to easily shortlist & isolate those merchants, affiliates & networks we suspect that fall into this category & those networks whom haven’t been transparent with mentioning which programs have closed groups on program information pages.”

Are There Other Reasons?

“Absolutely, the operation of the tool is functionally the same & can serve several purposes, for example it can identify which affiliates are repeatably & systematically abusing a merchants brand on a deliberate basis, and we do empasise deliberate basis, when merchants have clearly stated otherwise. Though we are fully aware of the lack of clarity & changes in keyword policy without sufficient notice & can symphasise with the genuine affiliates to try to correctly adhere to frequently changing T&C’s”

Do You Feel That Monitoring Affiliate Brand Activity is Part of Networks Remit As Part Of the Override They Earn?

“Erm, yes & no. It depends on the network & what agreement they have set up with the merchant. Most are ethical, however In our experience some turn a blind eye & simply say carry on until busted by the merchant, however networks are genuinely in an awkward predicament & policing brand shouldn’t necessarily have to be part of their uneviable role, when more focus & resources should be on new technologies for affiliates & genuine affiliate support. However, a few have fallen into the the abyss with little regard to their incestuous closed group approach and as a result we decided that part of The Grim Reapers role is to purge the culprits. Some networks proclaim they have tools to monitor affiliates bidding on banned terms, but from our experiments, it clear that it’s questionable as to how effective these really are. On the swing side, yes it should be part of networks role to to promote & control affiliates to ensure they are working within reasonable terms & conditions, for whom most do a decent job”

I Notice Your Natural Disdain for Closed Groups?

“The Grim Reaper can also ascertain whether closed groups are adding value for their client by hunting for traffic beyond brand, such as generics or targeted product terms, it appears many are not & some only recently starting to add wider terms away from the brand. It doesn’t make particulalry good reading when inferring the results, but not all can be tarred with the same brush. We would like to add there is an inherent problem, with the familiar groups & networks relying on a cushy nest egg, without which they maybe wouldn’t be around today, it really needs to be addressed by all involved in the space.”

What About Arbitraging These Unfavourable Programs?

“If that is a publishers perogative, go for it, Ebay & Ask.com as you mentioned, could be perceived as doing it. It might make the merchants or networks wake up and smell the coffee. After doing the math, vast .. infact obscene earnings could be made this way, but it’s a concious decision any publisher has to make & be comfortable with both for themselves & within themselves. But The Grim Reaper, already knows who is.”

Are You Concerned About Being Perceived As a Supergrass?

“Ha, ha, ha, no not at all, we aren’t the one’s that should be worrying !, why would we be ?., although having said that the Grim Reaper is NOT going to send top secret reports to networks, why should we do their work for them.

The Grim Reaper allows us to create a more accurate accessment of the affiliate landscape on the paid search front. We are supportive of ethical paid search affiliates & content sites, though because we feel quite strongly about this we may disclose the affiliate ID’s to the public domain of those we are confident of being in closed groups that’s not adding value, it’s not exactly rocket science to find out, but a matter of time one allocates to it. The Grim Reaper automates the process.”

Are You Simply Scaremongering?

“Nope, not amongst hard working affiliates who adhere to reasonable terms & conditions or those inadvertently breaking pay per click guidelines, it’s easy to spot the accidents from the systematic abusers, so honest, regular everyday affiliates have nothing to worry about. It’s only the calculating rule breakers & undisclosed closed groups or exact match brand only affiliates on closed group terms which should be wary.”

How Does The Grim Reaper Work?

“Basically we monitor the paid search advertisments of any desired list of keywords, for example brands, misspellings, variations & even their URL’s. Where an instance for a keyword is found triggering an ad, it’s recorded into the database and fed into our reporting system for later analysis.”

What Do You Record?

“Initially it harvested just the affiliate ID, and thus network being used, any attributed display URL and destination URL, competitor merchants bidding on rival brands. If the ad features a non affiliate link and leads to a landing page or site, we visit the destination URL and collect off site urls, logging any affiliate links on the way, On top of that we now even conduct a whois to try & obtain the owner of the domain name, though we appreciate this is easy enough to disguise & can be misleading. We know some closed group or perpetually rule breaking affiliates may cloak their tracks a little, so we try to get inside their mind what they may possibly do, a few should be chastised.”

But Won’t You Be Incurring Costs for Those Paid Advertisers & Assisting with Increase in CTR’s?

“No, we don’t click links, there’s no need, we log affiliate urls if direct to merchant and visit destination urls if not, we have no need to click any links, incur any cost or boost anyone’s CTR, so rest assured it incurrs no cost or benefit to anyone from clicking ads.”

At What Time Intervals Do You Monitor the Ads?

“Any, currently it is once per hour, but we can easily set the time frame to whatever is desired, even every five minutes, realistically there is no finite time limitations, we simply do what is most practical, so weekend and or evening rule breakers won’t get a look in.”

Is The Grim Reaper Monitoring All Paid Search Platforms?

“Initially it was only Google, because it was easier, but …”

Sorry To Interrupt But, Does This Mean MSN AdCenter & Yahoo Search Marketing As Well Because They Encrypt Their Links?

“Oh, yeah for sure it took a while but we managed to crack the encrypted link conundrum, granted it took our inhouse team some long nights a red bull drip fed army of amazing coders and big pot of cash, but we got there in the end so now there’s nowhere to hide on the big 3, in fact we can monitor any country too in our quest.”

You Maybe Aware My Repetitive Bug Bear is Ebay UK & Ask.com Bidding on Many URL’s & Almost Anything Going. Do You Have Any Thoughts?

“We think you summarised much of it within your blog, but there does seem to be a different ruling for them in the way they are treated by Google. The merchants or networks having little inclination to address these two parties, all very hypocritical if you ask us. The Grim Reaper reveals the scale of this problem & we are bemused by the inertness of affected parties.”

Thanks For Your Time, Is There Anything Else You Would Like To Add?

“Yes, please can you remove this spot lamp from shining in our eyes & turn the strobe off so we can get back to the a4uexpo. Oh, by the way, you might want to check the keyword policy of that merchant, which changed without notification, you are appearing for the brand.”

Oops!

WOW (no not World Of Warcraft)! Fraser at Affiliate Blog is really stoking the fire with his lastest & boldest blog entry.

Corruption in Affiliate Marketing

Our Comment was:

“Blimey Fraser … controversial thread indeed… Simply examine some of the cliques at events & tie this in with some of the lower profiles who are maybe less vociferous, then follow the breadcrumb trail down to a parking lot off the M3, from the gingerbread house lading back to the village, or if you prefer go by Gravy Train or better still have a heli-pad on the roof. It’s surprising how a few beers lowers inhibitions & loosens the tongue.

Apart from observing the patterns, links in the ppc market, social circles & reactions & responses from the suspecting offending affiliates, networks, merchants or agencies the conundrum slowly reveals itself. You can deliberately lay the bait & the red herrings & surprising how gullible they can be. By soaking up the focus whilst others investigate.

B.T. way, It’s also interesting & worth lending an ear to what previous employees of the odd network may divulge. Whether it be conspiracy theory or fact or whether the evidence / suggestions presented can only be deemed as circumstantial, there is enough information out there to maybe point to the latter, suggesting it maybe rife with regard to the volume of transactions passing through, but only small with regard to the numbers of people / organisations involved.

If you took the top 5 programs within certain (not all) networks with a closed bidding group policy away, I do wonder how this would effect their turnover. Some of these parties have possibly already made their fortunes, so a curtail in the practice maybe just now matter of principle, but unscrupulous people just get greedier.

P.S. It’s been suggested that by making the above comment or having an opinion. Some way not speak with me again or be on their guard. Oh well, at least it will permit more time socialising with true mates.”

I am looking forward to perusing some of the comments on Fraser’s Affiliate Blog, from peoples who’s opinions I listen & value, rather than posting a full blown opinion on here.

No doubt as already suggested by a network we will be accused as being judge, jury & executioner .. what whining .. hey ho .. better than the Kangeroo Courts than existed before when these so called deemed Cartels materialiased.

We have recently approached some networks to ascertain which programs are closed group within their network, to offer transparency to affiliates, this will be the next blog.

I have a cunning plan, more cunning than a very cunning thing. Even more cunning than a fox, in fact, a plan so cunning you could put a tail on it and call it weazel. Perhaps the solution is to become a sycophant.

… “I am Hamlet of Borg! To be assimilated or not to be assimilated? That is the question.”

In a series of episodes dedicated to Tradedoubler, I am beginning to wonder if Tradedoubler (A Swedish Company) are in fact “The Borg” in disguise, assimilating the marketing ideas & prowess of the affiliate community into their little idealistic fantasy world (btw not a patch on World of Warcraft) of closed group brand name bidding rights thinly disguised (veiled) as tenders, in their pursuance of controlling the affiliate world with the same mind set which can only be likened to Google’s (who’s objective is maybe to have the Google logo printed on the US $ dollar Bill)

Quite a few affiliates have now received several of these ridiculously lengthy, so called “equal” opportunity tenders to peruse from Tradedoubler, containing open ended questions to complete & submit on return. These tenders are requesting information like projections, & what should be closely guarded secrets, your marketing techniques & tools. All for the for the so called privilege of a selected few (perhaps already pre-selected) to enjoy closed group brand name bidding rights for some merchants. Basically, they ask for almost everything (senstive information) from knowing your marketing secrets to what colour / ply toilet paper you prefer, well not actually toliet paper, but you get the drift, thus they may as well include this ….

Sell your soul why not, as the network assimilates all those aggregated ideas into their own Borg Realm of Control (not the hippy Swedish tennis player version but the Star Trek variety, though i do wonder if they are actually Born (Bjorn) Borg, though if you want to be pedantic you cannot actually be born Borg (If you are a Trekky Fan, then you’ll know this)

The idea of being given brand rights via Tradedoubler is certainly luring to the gullible, with the enticement of brand, when any experienced PPC’er (Pay Per Click Advertiser) knows that the value of the generic term is more valuable than the brand name itself. Therefore perhaps it should be considered at what cost this comes?

“Closed Groups” is another full discussion within itself, the Advantages & Disadvantages of which will be discussed on a later blog date.

Tradedoubler say they are “very eager to receive your proposal” thinly veiled in allegory “on how your company can compliment and propel” the merchants “business forward in to 2007.” Off course they are eager, they are possibly rubbing their hands with glee at every greedy unsuspecting mug who returns the tender application. Don’t you just love their colloquial spin? They are certainly on a different planet.

So, hyperthetically speaking, here you go Tradedoubler, here’s everything I have learned over the years for you to glean, I know I won’t get included because you’ve got your own little clique cartel including the Andover crew (not my reference to them), including Jesus, Oh sacrilege! … I hear some proclaim .. with their clone army of brown nosed yes men. And … when your done digesting all that invaluable information of ours, we sweated years & tears with. You’ll only either pass those golden nuggets of harnessed information on to the chosen few or keep it selfishly to yourself by charging your client something like a £300 an hour consultancy fee, claiming they are wholly your own innovative ideas & proprietary software in achieving maximum ROI (Return On Investment) & brand awareness.

“Poppycock! Excuse Me! Borg Master!” … Whilst I am at it, please could you rashly insert toilet brush up my backside & I ‘ll give a little wiggle for you at the same time . … Oh hang on a minute let me get a mirror .. hmmm .. Yep, just as I thought the sun does shine out of there.

To be fair, Tradedoubler do offer the tender to a number of affiliates, including ourselves, whether it is a level playing field or not, I am sceptical, to trust them with the information required to be divulged, I do not.

Unfortunately, I duped myself into thinking last year that Tradedoubler had turned a corner / new leaf & that a leopard could change it’s spots with an openness & improvement in their affiliate support. In my honest opinion (imho) it’s been nothing short of diabolically, by their own opinion, based on their actions we have expereinced, they are deemed never wrong.

“You will Comply” … Arrogant, Aloof Control Freaks … “Resistance is Futile”

Their corporate persona of aloofness & wonderfully contrived vocabulary of colloquisms and the creative sycophantical use of superfluous superlatives (say “superfluous superlatives” 5 times really quickly) simply disguises the bull. Tradedoubler’s, lip service just doesn’t wash anymore with us. Something we’ll just have to accept & focus our attentions with more accomodating open minded networks.

It’s easy to ascertain why merchants are attracted on to the Tradedoubler network, they truly do present the “bells and whistles” platform with a practical & functional affiliate / merchant user interface, maybe not the best in the industry, but still extremely impressive to say the least. Merchants & agencies are wooed by this (which other networks should consider) as you’ll observe by the big named brands they represent, which has a catalytic effect of it’s own to bring even more big named brands onboard.

However, beneath the veneer & the facade, when you get down to the nuts of bolts of it, .. “No Bells & Whistles, Just Nuts & Bolts” it’s woolly & the service from our experience has been poor. This has been mutually expressed by both other affiliates & merchants without prompting.

As a final suggestion, perhaps it should be the merchant pitching to the affiliate, now that’s a little twist? Since it’s the affiliates who have the marketing skills & the advertising spend, as it currently stands … it’s sooooo the wrong way around.

Conclusion: Remember, just be careful when passing information & ideas onto Tradedoubler with regard to the tender and ask yourself do you trust them, don’t simply sell your soul to The Borg and allow your ideas to be assimilated, because of a few Ker-ching! benefits.

Borg Humour:

… “I am Ohm of Borg! Resistance is the Disease, Not the Cure”
… “I am DOS of Borg! Prepare… oops, out of memory!”
… “I am Homer of Borg! Prepare to be assim… OOH! DONUTS!