Get Rich Quick by Selling br$and to the Arabs for £75m
posted in Affiliate Marketing, Closed Groups, PPC Brand Name Bidding |
I have just realised I have been doing this affiliate malarkey for the past ten years all wrong, and now realise how to get rich quick by selling br$and to the Arabs for £75m.
1.) To start building your br$and Castle. Set up a network with a basic looking interface & reporting tools, most affiliates like bells and whistles but the brand bidders find these clutter up reporting unnecessarily.. after all what’s to report ?? so the KI$$ format is best.. “Keep It Simple Stupid”.
2.) Research the market for potentially easily manipulated affiliates to be planned in to the BBG’s (br$and Bidding Groups). Essentially they should know how to use phrase and exact match and waffle on convincingly to any merchant about benefits of allowing them and the network to brand bid but how a closed group is best to protect it.
3.) Sell your $oul to the devil ? (but make sure it’s on exact match [soul] and negative match –don’t … In the same process remember to neglect those genuine affiliates who were supportive of your network when you first came on the scene (what is their opinion now?). Not to worry they were only to instrumentally used & abused for your overall agenda.
4.) Produce presentations with eloquent corporate spiel on the advantages of br$and bidding groups – 3D graphs work best, however don’t mention the dreaded G word (generics) anywhere EVER ! …
5.) Increase your stationary supply of brown manila envelopes. Ensure you get self seal as your tongue is probably quite dry & so is that of your BBG’s. Aalways ensure your BBG’s are well fed, (send huge hampers) watered (cristal, veuve cliquot) and warm (Bahamas, Miami, Las Vegas), you don’t want them getting annoyed at having to work so hard, we all know adding a couple of new exact match [brand name keywords] per month is very tiring !
6.) Carry on finding more sycophants & embrace them into the br$and bidding groups, Only bring in new “talent” which can be house trained & who will sit and roll over when told to.
7.) Draw circles in the br$and with military tactical precision and call it “Operation br$and Storm”
8.) Your hive of BBG drones are now under servitude of the Queen B, however they must not speak out against the network and only post minimally on any forum. Any insolence MUST be punished with loss of of a BBG, preferably drones will only post in forums or blogs when told to and then only in a supportive and positive manner.
9.) Get your br$and bidding groups to buy you a yacht. There is nothing like a bit of reciprocated a$$ ki$$ing.
10.) Produce something vaguely resembling a content unit & give it a fashionable name like a widget in order to maintain wider affiliate acceptance, at indeterminate periods launch tools and applications. PS: it’s not important if they actually work as majority of revenue is from your BBG’s which don’t need them anyway.
11.) Oh & don’t forget to pander to the br$and bidding groups, basically ask them how they wish to run things and just leave them too it.
12.) Adopt an omnipotent ethos, we are better than you.. you and you.. although of course not if you are a BBG drone.. in which case we love you loads.
13.) Entertain your br$and bidding groups, treat them like a harem of revenue generating supermodels, pander to their every need, real or imagined.
14.) Be convinced by one’s own self importance, if struggling repeat “we are the bestist” in the mirror every morning whilst brushing your diamond studded teeth.
15.) When profits are not looking great, get some Venture Capitalists interested, show them the brand portfolio and, mention turnover figures and then mention the new alignment of big brand budgets online instead of offline.
16.) Introduce the VC’s to your br$and Bidding Groups, heck given time the BBG’s may even end up as your VC’s ! and it can then be one big happy incestuous commune !
17.) Allow merchants to upload feeds without fully verifying whether they are accurate or work, then proclaim you have product feeds and are the next best thing since sliced bread, after all who cares.. it’s all only for show.. BBG’s are the dumper truck.. other affiliates are the specs of mud on the windscreen.
18.) Carry on kicking br-$and in affiliate faces for those who object to br$and Bidding Groups, they are only jealous and fed up of adding real value and clearly can’t drive the quality of traffic required to be a BBG drone.
19.) Don’t worry if profits are not looking too great for all that entertaining budget, you are convinced it will all work out. .. refer to point 15 ! get bigger, glossier graphs, quote bigger budgets, and smile more. Why not even knockout a new sluggish management area and keep it in perpetual beta mode.
20.) Tell your affiliates that you are employed there to build up the br$and Bidding Groups businesses, leave them in no doubt of your support, should a tongue bath be needed rinse with champagne and then get to work.. nothing is too much to keep your BBG’s happy !
21.) Water “Gate” Stones … Don’t stick up for your affiliates when a merchant inaccurately deletes sales, with them and the network falsely claiming affiliates are brand bidding, only to remunerate the affiliate directly without telling the merchant because you don’t want to upset that merchant. When dealing with real affiliates, become vague, quote T&C’s, rewrite merchant terms, delete data and at all times never forget the merchant is always right after all real affiliates are ten a penny ..(unless it’s a BBG issue, in which case.. explain he’s right but not fully informed.. refer merchant for BBG programming !),
22.) Suffocate your forum section with duplicated promotional postings & excessive use of superlatives, which are in received emails anyhow. Tactic is to suppress affiliate concerns to lower pages within the forum section … push bad news right down that page… get all BBG’s to blog or post something positive if anything negative happens.
23.) Produce minimal profit again,,, make even bigger graphs, even glossier images, throw a party or two, sponsor everything you can .. do whatever it takes to keep everything looking sweet until a bid comes in.
24.) Go on the charm offensive & invade the USA .. if del boy can do it.. we can !
25.) $ow the brand $eed of this low hanging fruit by getting content affiliates to promote with their presell, then let your favoured BBG’s mop up the gravy train of brand orientated bunnys that come hopping along by over writing the content affiliate cookies.
26.) If your reputation in the UK is duly taking a bashing the next two points is a quick fix.. divert attention rather than address any issues.. buy magic books off ebay and practice the art of distraction !
27.) Find a desperate unsuspecting mug who is looking to buy a network & be their fallback bitch, preferable something American , who don’t understand the past success and turnover is built on exact matched brand terms & buying a select group of BBG drones.
28.) Sell for £75m then pretend to look fully invested in it’s future still until the cheque clears and any tie in period ends.
29.) Remember to phone a friend or rent a crowd so that BBG’ers & Co can officially post on the forum.
That is the Get Rich Quick Scheme on Selling br$and to the Arabs for £75m.
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Whether it be via broad, phrase, exact or negative match .. !
